Life's an uncertainty
by lollierogers
Summary: Loosing a child is said to be the worst pain that can be felt. Follow the inner workings of Bella's mind as she attempts to negotiate her way through these dark times, of course with a the help of a certain young gentleman... There's a phrase;'Don't judge a book by it's cover.' Just how does that apply to this unusual couple? *Rated MA for content*


_**So here's just a little writing I've had stored on my computer for a while now, just never had the guts to post it :-$**__  
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_**I'm English so there will be slight differences in linguistics but I'm sure you can all work around that.**_

**_Any criticism will be taken into account but please be kind, first attempt and all that jazz! _**

**_I haven't the foggiest about medical terms- some research was done but I do not claim anything in this fiction is accurate._**

**_*WARNING*_**

**_This oneshot/story does contain possible triggers to some readers, namely rape. It is not graphic- just hinted upon, but I thought it was necessary to point that out. You have been warned!_**

"Please, please, please, pretty please," I asked with an innocent smile, knowing she would say yes.  
My mother looked at Gerard, who grinned at her before she turned around and smiled at me. "Fine," she said, obviously feigning exasperation, it was very funny; Gerard and I shared a giggle together. My mum shook her head laughing silently.  
I grinned at her and thanked them before turning to look out of the window onto the dimly lit pavement. It was late evening, nearing nine o'clock but it was our last nighthere, (our short flight to Fallin wasn't until lunchtime tomorrow) and Mum and Gerard had decided we would go out for a meal. Smiling, I rested my hand on my swollen belly as I felt the tiny fluttering kicks against my skin. My little bean. "Is she kicking again?" my mum asked softly.  
I nodded slightly. "Yeah, quite hard too," I whispered matching her happy but sad tone. "Here feel." Her face broke into an exultant smile when she felt a sharp knock to her palmed hand.

The last few months had been the hardest of my life. Trying to piece my life back together after the 'incident', a tremor ran down my spine, having to cope with Ephah's arrest and pending trial, being pregnant, on top of enduring the stares and condemning whispers at such a young age was taking its toll; tomorrow we were getting our new start. Finally. Gerard's big contract started in the next couple of weeks but our house wouldn't be ready for a couple of months at least with the way mum was fussing. Until then, we were renting out a cute but very cosy cottage about half-an-hour away from where we would move to once the new house was ready. It was close enough to get to know the area, but far away enough so that I could finish my pregnancy in peace without having to endure the whispers at the new house when Emerald Rae was born.

Emerald Rae… My mum had picked the name Emerald because she wanted to name her after her best friend from high school, Emily. I just like the colour green and the jewel I so went along with it. It had been my choice to pick Rae, because she was our ray of sunshine, our ray of hope**;** she was going to change our lives; hopefully for the better. It was perfect just like she would be.  
Gerard pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream parlour and opened my door for me, steadying me as I got out. I gave him a grateful smile. Pregnancy was really affecting my already poor balance. My mouth was watering, my taste buds dancing in anticipation.  
He slung one of his arms over my shoulder and wrapped the other around my mum's waist. "Come on, kid, let's get you some ice cream," he said happily. Gerard had accepted everything and never tried to replace my dad, telling me so on many occasions. He just wanted to be there for me. I liked him and he suited my mother in everyway despite being polar opposites they balanced each other out. Sure, he was a little younger than my mum, but he made her happy. After losing my dad, her one true love, she had retreated into an empty shell of her former self, moping and weeping all night. She deserved nothing more than to be happy. If Gerard made her happy, who was I to try and stop that?

I smiled at him and pulled my navy hoodie down over my rapidly growing bump. I rarely ventured out in public anymore and had never been out alone, because I couldn't handle the accusing stares and the whispers. Of course, I don't blame people; they simply think I'm another teenager who made a mistake. A mistake! I hated them words, loathed them shunning them into the bowels of hell. How could my little bean be a mistake, sure she wasn't planned or anything but why should she pay for my naivety? It was all too much to deal with, which was why we were moving to Fallin: for a fresh start, a blank canvas where we could live content; there was too much spilt blood and too many bad memories here, we had to escape.

"Raspberry Ripple with a chocci flake?" smirked my stepdad. It was our inside joke. I had been craving ice cream throughout my third trimester. It filled the gaping hole Emmie demanded for. "Of course" I replied slyly. He stepped up to the counter buying our treats before sitting into the booth with us. The waitress who was wiping the neighbouring table kept giving me funny stares so I tucked my chin into my hoodie hiding. Mum noticed. "Don't mind them honey." She chirped. We laughed and joked as we ate our ice cream, ignoring the stares I was getting from nosy onlookers. My mum told me all about the new house, and pulled out some pictures of how she wanted to decorate my new bedroom. The walls would be a bright blue and the duvet cover and curtains would be a matching floral pattern, with pinks, purples, oranges and blue; there would also be a large mint chair in the corner with white furniture and a large bookcase to house my many books. To be honest it needed to be huge the number of books I had in my possession. We headed back to the carslowly, basking in the stormy air around us. I loved thunderstorms, the rumbles and crashes of light in the darken sky made me feel alive and free. I got back into the car and sighed as I let my head fall back onto the headrest comfortably. My lower back was really starting to ache from carrying around a 6 month old child inside my tiny frame. Gerard started up the engine, turned on the radio to a music channel, and we began driving home at a steady pace. I hummed quietly to myself.

The rare March rain had started to fall down onto the already slick road blurring everything on the other side as I looked through the tinted window. The streetlights and headlights of the other cars became fuzzy spots. It was dangerous out here.  
I looked up as I heard Gerard suck in a sharp stuttering breath and my mother let out a shocked squeal; there were two bright headlights veering straight for our car with no sign of stopping. I gasped in shock and tried to call desperately for my mum and stepdad but the sound of the grating metal was loud in my ears. Screeching and groaning. The sound rang in my ears as I waited for my mum or Gerard to call out and ask me if I was ok, for anything; I could barely even hear anything myself, other than the shocked screams and calls for help outside.  
"Isa-," my mother's frail voice called out once the car had stopped spinning and lay still, on its side on the middle of the road, rain pouring in onto my shoulder from the smashed window.  
"Mum," I called weakly as everything stopped around me.  
"Bella," her weak voice responded. "Bells … look after Emmie," she whispered quietly trailing off at the end.  
"Mum," I called again. There was no answer, only silence.  
My head felt heavy but light and floaty at the same time. I reached up and felt my head, then looked at my hand. Blood was trickling down my palm in rivlets. That was the last thing I saw before I succumbed to the darkness of my mind.

* * *

"Can you hear me?" I heard a voice call as I tried to force my eyes open rather unsuccessfully. There was a painful throbbing in the back of my head and an excruciating, shooting pain in my stomach. "She's breathing," someone called out. "She's trying to open her eyes."  
"I still can't find a pulse on either of them—we're going to need a helicopter," someone else shouted.  
I let out a small groan. "Miss, are you ok? Does it hurt anywhere?" someone asked me. "Don't move, okay, just hold on until the fire brigade gets here— your leg is trapped and we don't want to hurt you anymore." He said firmly.  
My hands instantly flew down to the sharp cramping pains in my stomach. "My baby, Emerald… I need my mum," I cried.  
"Is that your mum's name, Emerald?" he asked.  
I shook my head. "Renee," I told him, choking the word out half strangled through the pain.  
They got me out of the car once the fire department and police were on the scene. They asked me various questions about my pregnancy as they told me that they had to transport me to the nearest hospital. My questions about Gerard and my mother were ignored. They needed to check that the crash hadn't done any damage to the baby. If it had, it would have done a lot since she was too small to cope on her own.  
"Are they ok?" I asked for the hundredth time panicked.  
I could hear the whirring of the helicopters above us as the man looked down at me with a sad expression on his face. This wasn't good—I knew that from the helicopters. "No," I muttered over and over again. No, they couldn't be… they just couldn't. I needed my mum here now.  
"We'll do everything we can," he promised quietly.  
They lifted my mum and Gerard into the helicopters and took me in the ambulance. The painful stomach cramps kept on coming, every ten minutes or so, and I was taken to the nearest hospital. "Just keep breathing," the young woman told me repeatedly not at all sympathetic —she clearly thought I was the easy type who got pregnant after a one-night stand.  
We arrived at the hospital quickly, where I was immediately taken for a C-section. I couldn't even see my mum or stepdad—all I gathered from the low buzz of conversation swirling around confusingly in my head were the words; placental abruption, caesarean and high risk—everything else washed over me as I faced the task of losing everything and everyone I loved: my mum, Gerard and Emmie. I just prayed that everything would be okay. And I never prayed, after that horrific night I just didn't believe there was such a saviour as God, if so why didn't he save me? Oh right, it was in his almighty plan for me!  
Emerald Rae Swan was born by emergency Caesarean section on 27th March 2012 at 22:36.  
I was taken back to my room where a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman was waiting for me along with a doctor. Emerald had been taken to the ICU for neonates and I would be taken to see her tomorrow morning after recuperation. Doctors orders. Just another reason why I hate hospitals. I needed to rest for now and she needed emergency surgery to help her survive as being so young her lungs weren't fully developed.  
"Hello Isabella?" the woman said softly, "my name is Kate."  
I looked to her, and then to the doctor. Who was she and where was my mum? "Where are my mum and Gerard?" I asked.  
Kate looked from me to the doctor and then back to me as the brown-haired doctor pursed his lips. In fast motion, it probably would have been quite comic but nothing was at all funny about it. I understood that look.  
"Your step-father was pronounced dead on arrival. I'm so sorry."  
"My mum?" I asked, my voice thick with tears which were freely streaming down my face.  
He sighed "Your mother was alive when we got to the scene. We brought her to the hospital by air, but she was still very weak and had serious internal bleeding—when her ribs broke in the crash they pierced her lungs. We did everything we could, but I'm sorry. She didn't make it."  
I let out a choked wail as the doctor looked sadly at me. I knew what was coming next. "Your daughter is very small and she has some serious injuries. The doctors are operating on her to try and keep her as strong as possible, but she has extensive injuries…," he said trailing of pensively.  
"What's the likelihood she'll survive?" Kate asked softly from the corner of the room.  
He sighed. "It's impossible to say, but with her injuries… she'll be lucky if she makes it until Saturday morning," he said sadly.  
I felt like I had just been punched in the gut fifty times over. It was my fault; I pleaded for ice cream, I led my mum and stepdad to their deaths. If only I hadn't asked for ice cream, we would be at home, in front of the television snuggling and watching a movie, a chick flick most likely. It was my entire fault. Mum and Gerard were gone, and I never even got to say goodbye, or tell them I loved them. What sort of daughter was I?  
The doctor cleared his throat. "Your mother woke up briefly enough to tell us that she wanted you to have this," he said softly, "I really am sorry."  
He handed me my mom's ring and I held it gingerly in my hands as he left, leaving me alone with Kate. She loved that ring-It meant the world to her. Dad had bought it for her when they were still at high school together with his money earned from his paper round. She once told me he would get up everyday at 5 o'clock before school to save for it. She cherished it for evermore.

I didn't talk—I just stared ahead feeling numb and empty. I had lost everything that had ever supported me, and by Saturday morning, I would be alone. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out and stomped on and I had no idea why. Hadn't I been through enough? Wasn't taking my father from me and having Ephan rip my innocence from me not enough? Why this? What had I done to deserve this?  
I felt empty, numb. I wanted to join them in death because everything would be so much easier, but my mother's words rang in my ears: "Look after Emmie." I didn't even bother to wipe away the tears streaming down my face in rivers. Why had I survived when nobody else had? Other than the other driver who was in a critical condition in the ICU, I was the only survivor of the crash and I hated it. Why couldn't I have died too? Why did I have to be so alone in all of this, I needed my mum.

"Isabella," the blonde woman, Kate, said softly. "My name is Kate Robinson, I'm a social worker." Social worker, the words vibrated in my ears like a gong, emphasising the fact that I was alone.  
"I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but we're doing everything we can to find you a home so that you won't have to go into a group home, and if Emerald comes through then we'll do everything in our power to keep the two of you together. I'm so sorry."  
I didn't answer. I just stared, straight ahead at the four blank walls. Why me? What had I ever done wrong? I got good grades, I was nice to people, I had never done anything wrong… why me? 'If Emerald comes through' she had said. No, she was wrong; she was going to come through. She had to because I needed her.  
"I want to see her," I whispered, not looking at her.  
Kate sighed. "You need to rest, Bella' I shook my head. "I want to see Emerald," I protested.  
She looked at me and sighed before getting up to get a nurse. The nurse ignored my adamant protests to see my newborn daughter, telling me it was too late and I that needed to rest. I fell into a dark, dreamless but uneasy sleep.  
I forced my heavy eyelids open, expecting to see my empty bedroom but all I saw was white. White walls, white bed sheets, everything looked so clinical and clean. I looked around the room to see the same woman, the young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman sitting in the chair in the corner of the room.

"Good morning," she said quietly, looking at me and it all came rushing back—the crash, my mum, Gerard, Emmie, everything.  
Looking at Kate, I deduced she could have been no older than 25 and dressed in jeans and a t-shirt she looked so… normal, average. She didn't look as though she held my life in her hands, which she did—she held my entire future in her perfect manicured hands. She would decide where I would live, who I would live with, where I would go to school, and every little detail of my life.  
"I want to see her," I said hoarsely. My hand flew up to my throat, which felt as though someone had just scraped their very long nails down it.

She nodded weakly. "I'll see what I can do," she told me getting up and leaving the room.  
Eventually, I was allowed to see her in the NICU. I was forewarned that she was very small, weighing in at just 4 pounds and 7 ounces, tiny, and I wouldn't be able to even hold my little girl. I was taken to see Emerald and I let out a tortured gasp as the nurse smiled softly at me. There were tubes coming out and going into her, one long one going down her throat and around her nose, not to mention the wires attached to her tiny, uncovered chest. She looked like they were experimenting on her. The sight brought yet more tears to my sore eyes.

"Emmie," I whispered, leaning forward in the wheelchair that I had been forced to sit in to see her properly. The last time I had seen her was briefly when they had shown her to me when she was born. Without the blood and muck covering her, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Her skin had inherited her father's dark tint, although it was much lighter than Ephan's. Her eyes flickered open to reveal the same chocolate orbs that I had inherited from my father and I smiled as I saw she had a faint dusting of brown hair on her head. Other than the colour of her skin, she looked nothing like Ephan and I was glad of that because I didn't want to look at her and remember him or that night… She was so beautiful it hurt, and It was excruciating when I remembered that the doctor said she'd be lucky to make it until Saturday. Sure, she looked small but she was strong, she would make it… wouldn't she? She had to make it. I needed her! She was all I had left, my last thread holding me to my life—she couldn't leave me too!

I looked down at her and let the tears come. She was so small, so perfect and by Saturday, she would probably be gone. Gone! It rippled through my brain making me wince at the thought I shoved it away and focused on my little bean. I pushed my hand through the tiny hole in the incubator to touch hers and smiled in wonder and amazement as she looked up at me with a look of awe on her face.  
"I'm your mummy," I whispered, my voice catching on the tears, "Emerald Rae Swan and I love you so much"  
I don't know how long I sat there, but eventually I was wheeled away, back to the white hospital room. "She's doing a lot better than we originally expected, she's responding well to the surgery and if she continues at this rate then… she **might** be okay," he said hesitantly.  
She might be okay. My beacon of hope flared coming in the form of 4 words, so simple and they held no promises of 'she will come through' but it was there, hope.

* * *

I visited Emerald again the next day, and the doctor's told me, yet again, that she was progressing well. Everything was going to be ok; even though I had lost my mum and Gerard, I would have Emmie. We would get through this together and everything would be ok.  
I was lying in the hospital bed, waiting to go and see Emerald when a doctor came in. I looked up at him. He was probably in his 60's, he had wispy grey hair which was sat on the top of his head, and his eyes looked weary and sad. He clasped his hands in front of his white gown as he began to talk, "Elizabeth, my name is Dr Collins, I'm the neonatologist who has been looking after your daughter, Ezmeralde."

"Emerald," I corrected him with a lump in my throat. Why was he telling me this? "What's going on?" I asked nervously. Why did he look so nervous and scared? He took a deep breath. "Emerald was responding well to the surgery…"  
"What do you mean 'was'?" I asked terrified. My brain was analysing the word multiple times and yet still coming up blank.  
"Unfortunately, last night, Emerald took a turn for the worst and we found she had internal bleeding, her kidneys are failing and…" he paused, "I'm sorry, we found that she has severe bleeding in her brain… many of her other organs aren't fully developed yet. We think it would be best to take her off the life support… it's highly unlikely that she'll make it through the day. With the severity of the bleeding, she'd probably have severe learning difficulties and other disorders that will restrict her movement if she grows up but again, it's highly unlikely that she'll make it through the day. I'm so sorry."  
I sat there without speaking, waiting for someone to jump out and tell me this was all some sort of sick, twisted joke but no one did. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, as if the words would make everything better. They didn't, nothing would but her.  
"I want to be with her," I whispered.  
He nodded, "Of course."  
"Can I… I want to hold her, before…"  
He nodded again. "I'll see what I can do."

I was taken to see Emerald for the last time on the 30th of March 2010 at 9.43 in the morning. I held her in my arms for the first, and last time, with no wires attached, seated on the hospital chair by the window showing her the outside world at last; the blooming daffodils and the clouds flying swiftly through the sky. Just me and Emerald.  
I wouldn't, and couldn't, put her through the pain for my own selfishness—I wouldn't make her suffer even though I needed her here. Kate watched from the window and Dr Collins and the nurse on duty, Rachel I believed her name to be, stayed in the room, wiping away tears that paled drastically in comparison to the waterfalls streaming down my crumpled face.  
I held her in my arms rocking her gently, cooing softly the lullaby mum and me would sing when she was restless—she was so tiny but perfect—and I cried. I cried for my mother and my father who would never see their beautiful granddaughter. I cried for Gerard who had given his life for me and Emmie, even though he had no blood ties to us. I cried for the small miracle in my arms whose life was being ripped from her so soon after it was given and I cried for me, for my lost life, for everything I was about to lose and could never gain back again.

Emerald Rae Swan was born by emergency Caesarean section on 27th March 2012 at 22:36. Emerald Rae Swan died on Saturday 30th March 2012 at 9.54am. I had less than 2 days with my lil bean, and they were the best and worst moments of my life.  
In three short days, all my hopes, dreams and aspirations for the future, my life and my family, everything, had been torn from me, all because I begged for some stupid raspberry ripple flavoured ice cream.  
I was alone and I had no one and it was all my fault.

* * *

_**Phew! Still with me? **_

_**You know what to do! Some feedback would be very much appreciated.**_

_**Thank you for reading and I'd advise you to break out the chocolate!**_


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